Ahhh…last week of lectures. It was a tough one. For those of you who read my email update, this may be a lot of the same thing, but that’s okay. :) The topic this week was Lordship. That’s definitely a tough one…surrendering everything to God and letting Him take control of my life is so hard for me—and I’m sure I’m not alone. :) I asked God at the beginning of the week to let this be a big week—I asked Him to break my heart. He didn’t let me down-ha!

Some key points: I have control issues. These control issues lead to trust issues. This lack of trust has been hindering my relationship and holding me back from the deeper intimacy I could have with my Father. And…it will continue until I figure out how to surrender things. Haha...oh I love having such problems. :S Basically, I like to know what’s going on—where I’ll be in the future, what I’ll be doing. Since I don’t know where or what God wants me doing, I feel powerless and out of control which leads to a lack of trust. I’m scared that God will call me somewhere remote, solitary and horrible and that I’ll hate it. As you can probably see, this poses a slight dilemma. :D I’m closer to complete surrender than I was at the beginning of this week, but I definitely still have some work to do. Really, it’s a daily choice—to pick up my cross, to decide to let Him be in control and to follow Him. I learned some key things this week that I will definitely look back on in the future.

One thing that really struck me was our speaker’s quote, “If Jesus is not Lord of all in my life, he is not Lord at all.” He gave an excellent illustration with this—think about a bottle of pure, clean water—but this water has one drop of sewer water in it. Would you want to drink it?? Our lives our like that…we can be 99% devoted to God and give Him almost everything...but that one tiny percent is what holds Jesus back—that makes all the difference in how much freedom-how much room He has to shape and form our lives to where we can be used by Him. Pretty powerful…

Another thing that stood out to me was when the speaker stated that the most fulfilling life I could possibly live is one of complete surrender. Basically, I could get back from DTS, finish school, get a job, get married and have a family, be involved in a church, etc. but if that wasn’t God’s plan for me—if I wasn’t surrendered to Him and His perfect ways, it wouldn’t be fulfilling to me. I would always feel like there was something more. That’s pretty hard for me to fathom because right now I feel like I have a pretty good life, but thinking about it…how much better could it be? How much more could God give me or show me? I won’t know until I give it all to Him—until I trust Him with my family or future location. That’s something I’m still working on but I think I’d rather just go for it and see what God can do with this short life instead of trying to stumble around and figure it out myself.

Lordship stinks. That’s another thing I’ve learned this week. :D This has definitely been the hardest week of my lecture phase, but when I look back on it I think it will be one of the best, if not the very best. I’m thankful for the pain and the struggles because that means I’m actually getting somewhere.

My team leaves for Swaziland tomorrow. We have a lovely 27 hour train ride to Johannesburg, SA and from there we will take a van into Swaziland for the next three weeks of outreach. I’m really unsure about internet access there but I will continue to blog and update all of you as soon as possible. Please keep me in your prayers as you are in mine. Missing you…

Rachel